sometimes i forget that i used to have serious issues with my body and my eating. i think it’s important to remember this stuff so that i remember to prioritize healthy eating habits and fat-positive self love. the fact that when i lose weight i am complimented only reenforces this negative bullshit. tonight, thinking on these issues, i was flipping through my old zine persephone’s passion that i made in 2004 when i was seventeen. two pieces really stuck out to me on the topic. one about my disordered eating and one about learning to love and celebrate my curves and fat. i’ve decided to share them here, as a reminder of how far i’ve come and that these issues aren’t new for me. i am way more comfortable with my curvaceous body than i was back then, in fact, i fucking love every curve and every roll. but i live in a world that tries to kill that self love out of me. the grrrl i was, who wrote these two pieces, is responsible for starting the journey of body positivity that i continue to work to maintain today.

right now i am underweight. i consider a healthy weight to be whatever i weigh when i am eating well and regularly and being active. because of trauma, depression, disordered eating and withdrawal from substances i have lost a fair amount of weight. it happened gradually but it is very noticeable to me. i don’t know how much i weigh or how much weight i’ve lost because i don’t weigh myself, but i can see and feel it.

i come from a family of curvaceous women. ‘brick houses’ as my mom says. as soon as i hit puberty my body reflected this. i have an hour glass figure with huge tits, ample thighs and ass and a nice round belly. all of this is stacked, so to speak, within my 5′o height span. i’m naturally a curvy girl.

i used to hate my thighs and belly but over the years i grew to love my body. when i am healthiest, taking care of myself, being active, having an appetite and eating lots, i fill out. i love my curves and i know from experience that they are a reflection of my optimal health.

these days i’m skinny. my clothes don’t fit me. my d cup bra is practically falling off me. i’m not mad at my body, i just know that my body needs love and care and food to return to it’s healthy state. i am working on putting the weight back on.

i ran into someone i hadn’t seen in awhile and he exclaimed that i looked great. i said thanks. he commented that i must be quite active these days. i had my bike with me so i thought he was simply referencing that, so i was i like ‘oh yeah, i ride my bike all the time’. and he commented that i look amazing, so thin and petite and that i’d lost weight. it disgusts me that a reflection of my body’s sickness (trauma, depression, disordered eating, withdrawal) is perceived as more beautiful by this guy than my body in it’s healthy state.

when i tell people that i am underweight right now i often hear the point blank statement ‘you’re at a healthy weight’. this bothers me. why is it that thinness is immediately seen as a healthy weight? how would a person besides myself know what my healthy weight is? why does the fact that i still have relatively large breasts and a fair amount of curves disqualify me from being underweight? this is not my healthy weight. i know that because i’ve lived in this body for twenty five years. i know what i look and feel like when i am at a healthy weight.

each of us have a totally unique body that reflects health in a totally unique way. it’s up to each of us to get to know what healthy is for us. a one-size-fits-all definition of ‘underweight’ or ‘overweight’ is totally damaging. we are all different. what is underweight for me may be totally healthy for another person. i’m not disputing that at all. but i do take offense when another person tells me that my current weight it totally healthy. it’s not, for me.

i also notice that people think it’s strange and/or unhealthy that i would be trying to put on weight yet attempts at weight loss are almost always celebrated as healthy changes and are definitely accepted as normal. i’m not saying that losing weight is inherently unhealthy but neither is gaining it.

because my appetite and eating habits have been effected by the things i’ve gone through i have to make an active effort to bring myself back up to a healthy weight. making sure i get plenty of calories, fats and proteins in my diet is what i need to do to get healthy right now.

as a culture, we need to stop valorizing thinness as inherently healthy and fat as inherently unhealthy. we also need to stop imposing our own ideas about health and beauty on to other people. i do not want to be celebrated in my sickness. i want to be encouraged in my recovery.

ps. i found this image on tumblr and i think it’s relevant. sometimes when my mind and spirit get all fucked up, i fall out of this type of eating. i forget that the normal response to hunger is to eat. getting back to this kind of eating is what i’m working on, and my healthy, curvy body will follow.

thank you for coming out of the closet. you are so brave. thank you for going to the police about your pedophile grandfather. you are so fucking brave. you saved my life as well as your own. i could never have existed if it weren’t for the steps you are taking right now. there is nothing wrong with you. these feelings are okay. you are traumatized and betrayed. you are hurting. and you are bursting with emotion and longing and that is okay. you are allowed to feel these things. when people tell you to stop cutting yourself and to stop acting all crazy, just don’t worry about it. it’s not your job to appease them. what you are doing right now is taking care of yourself. and even though that doesn’t make sense to other people, i, your future self, can attest to it’s truth. you will find other ways of coping, but for now, ignore the guilt trips and the shaming. how you are keeping yourself alive and dealing with your pain is perfectly okay.

but don’t kill yourself. here are the things you have to look forward to: next year you’re going to move to toronto and attend a queer alternative school. you will get to experience queer community full time. you will never see your disgusting grandfather again. you will become best friends with your sister and end up living with her for years. you will publish tons of zines and connect with people all over the world through your writing. you will fall in love. you will have your heart broken. you will also break some hearts. you will grow to know and love toronto as your very own home. you will learn to play guitar and write your own songs. you will learn to ride a bike and ride it all over toronto like it’s nothing. you will even learn to skateboard… i know, you don’t believe that for a second but it’s true. you’ll have sex. some of it will be really fuckin good. you’ll make friends, lots of them. some of them will be real and true, good friends. you haven’t even met these people yet. you will learn to love yourself in ways that you don’t even know are possible yet. you’ll become an alcoholic and get sober. you’ll go to university and get a degree in women’s studies. you will learn so much and grow so much. and that boy you are so utterly preoccupied with? you’ll still be friends with him years and years after you have lost touch with all the people from your home town. and all of this is just the next ten years. so don’t kill yourself. you have so much to look forward to.

i know it’s fuckin scary right now. i know it is so overwhelming and you feel so alone. i know you are filled with guilt and shame but you have nothing to feel guilty for or ashamed of. it’s not your fault that your grandfather sexually abused you and that your parents didn’t help you. that is not on you at all, and in time i promise that you will come to understand that. in time, you will come to love and understand yourself and you won’t fear your vast emotions. you will embrace them. they will fuel your writing and your art. so don’t listen when people tell you that you are too much, too sensitive, too smart, too crazy. you’re not. you’re just right. you are you and there is only one of you and you are perfect just as you are, in all your pain and imperfection. and you, in all your bravery, have saved my life. i wouldn’t exist without you. so thank you, thank you, thank you. keep being brave. i promise it will be worth it.

love clementine of 2012