this is an essay i wrote for a course i took on women and aging. the course, taught by professor ruby newman, was an amazing experience for me. i learned a lot. the book A Round Heeled Woman that i talk about in this essay is highly recommended!
Sexuality in Old Age: An Adventure Worth Taking
Sexuality in old age, with all it’s unique sadness and pleasure, is an adventure that can enrich womens lives. Engrossed in two books by two very intelligent and likable women, I am presented with two very different pictures of what womens relationship to sexuality and romance could be in old age. In The Last Gift of Time Carolyn G. Heilbrun favours friendship over sexuality. If sexuality happens to be in your life, enjoy it, Heilbrun suggests, but to seek it out is not in an old woman’s best interest. Jane Juska offers a very different approach as she actively seeks sex partners at the age of 66 and tells us about it in her book, A Round-Heeled Woman. Reflecting on these two womens thoughts on aging and female sexuality, as well as seeking out other writing on the subject, I came to the conclusion that I side with Juska. I define sexuality very broadly and acknowledge it’s many possibilities and forms. I do not define sexuality solely as a physical act of sex, but also include intimacy and romance as parts of sexuality. All stages of life provide opportunities and challenges which can encourage growth in all parts of ourselves, including our sexual selves. To suggest that the sexual journey must or should end at any time for women is to severely limit possibilities for pleasure and growth in womens lives. While I agree with Heilbrun that sex should not be the only focus of an old woman’s (or any person’s) life, I see old age as a unique opportunity for women to explore sexuality in different ways than have been possible throughout the rest of their lives. The risks Heilbrun warns of, Juska acknowledges, but the rewards Juska speaks of are great. In the adventure of life, we should follow our desires. If we desire sex, we should seek it. I think sexuality is an adventure as worthy as any other.
In an article called The Third Age, Francine du Plessix Gray illustrates just how deeply womens sense of womanhood and personhood is dependent upon being a suitable sex partner for a man. This assessment of womens worth does not come from the women themselves, but from an aggressive medicalization of menopause that declares it a defect and a disease. Defining menopause as the end of a woman’s sexuality positions female sexuality in relation to mens. Female sexuality is valued or not based on it’s usefulness to men. Equating the end of sexuality with the end of fertility reduces female sexuality to the ability to reproduce. This reductive representation of female sexuality, once medicalized, was thought to be curable through hormone-replacement therapy (Plessix Gray, 186). Dr. Robert Wilson who suggested this ‘treatment’ in his book Feminine Forever described menopause as “‘a serious, painful, and often crippling’ ailment that ‘often destroys [a woman's] character along with her health,’ and even threatens her ‘relation to her family, her community, and – most important – herself.’” (Plexus Gray, 186). This demand for women to resist menopause was not a demand for women to remain sexual, rather it was a demand for them to stay young, and sexually-satisfying to men. This pressure to remain sexually-satisfying at the expense of their own sexuality turns sex into work rather than play. One of Wilson’s colleagues, agreeing with his sentiments on menopause, stated that “Having outlived their ovaries, [women] may have outlived their usefulness as human beings” (Plexus Gray, 186). This deeply misogynist view should obviously be dissected and resisted by feminists. However, resisting defining women through their sexual-usefulness to men does not have to mean resisting aging womens sexuality.
Heilbrun is very much aware of this reductive view of female sexuality and the effect it has on womens lives. True happiness, true success, is defined through being in a sexual, romantic relationship with a man. Putting all one’s self worth into this is dangerous at any age, and as Heilbrun argues, even more dangerous for old women. What women are really lacking, according to Heilbrun, is a sense of real adventure in their lives. Romance and love being seen as the greatest and most important adventure for women, everything else falls short. She writes “…women whose lives are professionally successful, and who have all they want of life’s material blessings and furnishings, often find themselves overcome be a desire for something – risk, adventure, a new challenge – they know not exactly what. … the romantic story stands ready to answer that need. ” (Heilbrun, 109). She admits that even she cannot name an adventure that would mean as much, in this society, as that of a heterosexual love affair. Still, she thinks we should search for it. I agree with her. Sexuality should be an adventure in life, but it should be one of many. It should be one colour in a painting, not the entire thing. Many adventures in life should be considered as important as that of romance. For men, there are lots of adventures. To avoid the trap of endlessly seeking romance, Heilbrun suggests that old women pursue intimate friendships (which I would argue often still fall under the category of sexuality) and not physical sexual encounters or romantic affairs. She writes “I suggest that the ‘elderly’ leave romance to the young, and welcome friendship.” (Heilbrun, 112). Her reflections turn into advice. She is not simply saying that she has decided not to bother with the business of romance, she is offering up advice. To me, this advice sounds somewhat judgmental of women who might make different choices from her. She calls romance “… an adventure suitable only to the young, or to the aged who wish to suffer forever the plight of unsatisfied sexual passion.” (Heilbrun, 112). Her words are dooming. It sounds as if sexuality is an adventure one would be a fool to take on in their 60′s. I think Juska would disagree. Heilbrun is married and has been for a long time. She has an intimate, romantic relationship, whether or not it’s physically sexual. Juska does not. Heilbrun and Juska’s positions obviously will inform their opinions and experiences. Heilbrun writes “…sex after sixty cannot be the object of any undertaking, though it may sometimes be a wonderful and unsought-for result.” (Heilbrun, 113). This passive description of womens sexual possibilities is absolutely refuted by Juska. Sex after sixty most certainly can be the object of an undertaking, a successful one at that.
Juska’s account of her sexual escapades does not read like advice. She has decided to take on a major adventure, full of risks, pains and pleasures, but never does she suggest that this is the right path for anyone but herself. Juska’s approach opens possibilities and Herlbrun’s closes them. Juska goes into great detail admitting the sad parts of her adventure. Heilbrun does not really explore the downsides of choosing not to pursue an active sex life. Because of this, Juska is more honest and more willing to look at the messy, complicated and contradictory elements of female sexuality. Heilbrun provides an easy answer, Juska attempts the task of negotiating female sexuality in a patriarchal society. While both writers are writing with the best interests of old women in mind, I believe that Juska’s willingness to go into the unknown and take risks offers more hope and possibility to women. When discussing Juska’s A Round-Heeled Woman with the women in my life, I have noted the positive delight and excitement women experience at being offered this possibility. Women walk around with a clock above their heads, ticking away the moments of their lives that can be filled with sexuality, romance and other so-called youthful adventures. Juska stops the clock. She refutes the expiry date. By living her desires, imagining and manifesting her fantasies, and writing about them, Juska creates possibilities for all women. She argues that being old does not mean the end of sexuality.
From puberty onward, girls and women learn to hate their bodies. Even when women are young, they fight with their bodies. Patriarchy demands that women remain perpetually unsatisfied with their physical selves. Aging increases the anxiety around appearance. Being old is regarded as a failure and as a death. Because sexuality and romance are always filled with risks and rejections, one can only assume that it is this added insecurity around having an old body that makes pursuing sexuality different, and more dangerous, for Heilbrun in old age than at other times. Juska’s A Round Heeled-Woman weaves through past and present and tells stories of her sexuality in youth and in old age. Her stories demonstrate that sexuality was always a risk for her. Her early experiences were full of silence, uncertainty and insecurity. She acknowledges her insecurity over her aged body, and the pain of rejection, but her stories of sexuality in old age are full of confidence that she didn’t have in her youth. She wields far more control over her body and acts more firmly on her desires. Mary Meigs, in her book In The Company of Strangers, states that sexuality is no longer an important part of her life in old age. Her friend Constance agrees with her, saying “…energetically that she was glad not to have to think about all that messy business anymore.” (Meigs, 124). Meigs does not go into a discussion, analysis or justification of their lack of sexuality (not that she should have to) but leaves it as a simple fact. Her comment about disgust in the body and aging may shed some light on the issue. She writes “Disgust wells up in some of us in old age, and begins in our own bodies, which are betraying us, we think, in disgusting ways.” (Meigs, 91). This is the very fear that drives Heilbrun’s advice to avoid sexuality in old age. If our bodies are disgusting it must be humiliating to be naked and intimate with someone. But Meigs goes on to say, in parenthesis, “Simone de Beauvoir felt disgust for her body when she was thirty-five.” (Meigs, 91). This comment, like Juska’s narrative, shows that insecurity, and disgust for the body is an ongoing theme in womens lives. It is not particular to old age. Adjusting to the specific insecurities of old age is a life lesson, just as adjusting to the specific insecurities of puberty or of midlife are life lessons. Feeling disgust in your old body must be taken in the context of your entire life. You might look at pictures of your young self and think she is beautiful, but did you think that then? Most women are unhappy with their body in it’s natural state in varying degrees at every stage of life. So, it is possible that a future self, if it could look back and see your aged body in hindsight, might see a beauty that you deny when looking in the mirror. Finding satisfaction, at any stage in life, means seeking out what is beautiful in yourself and not letting insecurity run your life. Juska is a wonderful example of that.
In a paper called Challenging Social Myths and Stereotypes of Women and Aging: Heterosexual Women Talk About Sex, Sharron Hinchliff and Merryn Gott discuss the findings in a study of older womens sexuality. They find that women position themselves as more sexually complex than men, because sex holds more consequences for women than for men. They write “Taking up the position of ‘sexually complex’ implies that sexual relationships are ‘risky business’ for women, as they might meet a partner who is not willing to engage in more than penetration, be disappointed when a relationship does not follow from a sexual encounter, or have an unintended pregnancy.” (Hinchliff, Gott, 73). This illustrates that the confusions, disappointments and complexities of female sexuality exist throughout womens lives and are not confined to old age. In fact, old age eliminates the third risk, that of pregnancy. The second risk, that disappointment, or rejection, is the one that seems to take on more weight in old age, to the point where sexuality seems too dangerous to approach at all. Yet the women in Hinchliff and Gott’s study do pursure sexuality, despite it’s risks. Most participants in the study stated that sexuality was important to them. These women “…negotiated the (bio-medical) construction of women who lose interest in sex once in menopause.” (Hinchliff, Gott, 77). Like Juska, these women choose to continue the “risky business” of sexuality. Perhaps also like Juska, they defend their sexuality by insisting it will end, eventually. The women in Hinchliff and Gott’s study “…by positioning women older than themselves as more likely to accept the asexual discourse, presented themselves as sexually liberated.” (Hinchliff, Gott, 77). Juska, age 66, has her sexual adventures, comes home to her aloneness and doesn’t know what to do. She muses that maybe she should have looked for a husband, because she misses having sex. Underneath this is the assumption that it would be inappropriate for her to continue to have sexual, romantic affairs as she gets even older. Tangled in a web of ageism and misogyny it is hard for these women to grab ahold of their right to sexuality. It can only be be appropriate if someone elses sexuality is inappropriate. I would like to make the radical suggestion that womens sexuality is appropriate at any age. Sexuality is a life long journey. It may always be “risky business” for women to engage in sexuality in a patriarchal society, but these are risks women are well versed in. There is no reason to run in fear in old age, when you have had to negotiate all your life to fulfill your desires. Old age brings new challenges and new rewards.
Old age can provide opportunities for sexual pleasure and growth. In facing, naming and overcoming insecurity stemming from misogynist ageism, women can open up a realm of possibilities for themselves. In The Last Gift of Time Heilbrun writes about the risks of sexuality. In A Round-Heeled Woman Juska writes about the rewards. Both women are correct in their descriptions of the tumultuous terrain of female sexuality. In old age, new bumps are added to the road, but others are smoothed out. In deciding to sleep with a man quite a bit younger than herself, Juska faces the culmination of all her fears and insecurities. It was one thing to share her naked aged body with another aged body, but to expose herself to a younger man who has not experienced old age himself, could be heart-wrenchingly humiliating. Weighing out the possible risks and rewards, Juska decided to take the plunge. Of the potentially humiliating experience Juska says after “I am in bed with a fucking genius. It could be that the only real problem is that this man is too good to be true. If you need proof, listen to this: the light was on the whole time.” (Juska, 263). The light being left on is an affirmation that this younger man found Juska’s older body to be desirable and sexy. It proves that this wild fantasy of being desired and adored for who you really are is possible. There is a lot of pain and rejection on the road to fulfilling a dream, but for Juska the pleasure far outweighed the pain. She did not let rejection or insecurity stop her. She understood that her desires were hers, and she deserved the fulfillment of them. I propose an approach to female sexuality in old age that acknowledges all it’s many possible forms. It is important not to overly romanticize sexuality in old age, and to acknowledge both the good and the bad that comes with it. To acknowledge the bad does not mean you shouldn’t seek the good. Our lives can be rich and full for as long as we want them to be. Sexuality in old age holds the potential to be whatever we want it to be.
Works Cited
Heilbrun, Carolyn H. The Last Gift of Time: Life Beyond Sixty. New York: The Random House Publishing Group, 1997.
Hinchliff, Sharron and Gott, Merryn. ‘Challenging Social Myths and Stereotypes of Women and Aging: Heterosexual Women Talk About Sex’, Journal of Women & Aging, 20:1, 65-81. 2008.
Juska, Jane. A Round-Heeled Woman: My Late-Life Adventures in Sex and Romance. New York: The Random House Publishing Group, 2003.
Meigs, Mary. In the Company of Strangers. Vancouver: Hignell Printing Ltd., 1991.
Plessix Gray, Francine du. ‘The Third Age’, The New Yorker, 26 February, 1996.
