i’ve been wanting to get into doing queer feminist porn and so i’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. literally. this is my very first ever solo scene, self-shot. i’m going to be exploring porn as another medium of self expression. enjoy!
hard (an xxx post)
Filed under armpit hair, bisexuality, femme, genderqueer, masturbation, pansexuality, psoriasis, queer, sexuality, video, xxx
slutwalk toronto 2012
friday was slutwalk toronto 2012! it was a lovely, hot day. the crowd was a vibrant, passionate group. the speakers at the end were amazing. i especially enjoyed the speeches by morgan m. page and kim crosby. unfortunately i had to leave early and i missed tara atluri’s speech but i know that she rocked it. she’s a genius. i want to thank the organizers, all the speakers and everyone who attended for an amazing event and for standing up for survivors.
Filed under activism, casey jean (my sister), pictures, sluts, toplessness, toronto
healing
i am blessed to be on this journey of healing. i was running from myself for so long. i’m ready to start facing myself, healing myself, loving myself and getting to know myself. and i know i don’t have to do it alone. there are many who will help me on this journey. in my recovery i have heard it said that the more spiritually healthy a person is, the more help they will ask for. i didn’t know this before. i always thought that trying to do it all alone was a sign of strength. it’s not. it’s a sign of spiritual sickness, of being disconnected from the interconnectedness of all. i am overflowing with gratitude. i know that everything is as it should be and that there is nothing to fear. the journey of healing has begun. and the strange thing is, i can see now that the seeds for this healing were planted long ago, during times so filled with insanity and self hate i never could have imagined i was beginning something beautiful.
Filed under gratitude, health, self love, sobriety/recovery, spirituality
Rituals / Fat Oppression and Fat Oppression as a Tool of Sexism (excerpts from Persephone’s Passion, written in 2004)
my last post got me to thinking about my relationship with disordered eating and fatphobia over the years. as i’ve mentioned previously i’ve had various forms of disordered eating throughout my life. as a teenager it often manifested as a hatred of my body, a desire to lose weight and intentionally starving myself. in my twenties it became a lot more subtle. i actually grew to love my curvy body and i didn’t want to lose weight, but my disordered eating would return (often without me really realizing it) during times of depression. i think i am just coming out of one of these periods again, and this, combined with my withdrawal from weed, are responsible for the weight loss i’ve gone through recently.
sometimes i forget that i used to have serious issues with my body and my eating. i think it’s important to remember this stuff so that i remember to prioritize healthy eating habits and fat-positive self love. the fact that when i lose weight i am complimented only reenforces this negative bullshit. tonight, thinking on these issues, i was flipping through my old zine persephone’s passion that i made in 2004 when i was seventeen. two pieces really stuck out to me on the topic. one about my disordered eating and one about learning to love and celebrate my curves and fat. i’ve decided to share them here, as a reminder of how far i’ve come and that these issues aren’t new for me. i am way more comfortable with my curvaceous body than i was back then, in fact, i fucking love every curve and every roll. but i live in a world that tries to kill that self love out of me. the grrrl i was, who wrote these two pieces, is responsible for starting the journey of body positivity that i continue to work to maintain today.
weight loss and weight gain: what the fuck is a healthy weight?
i want to talk about health. i recognize that health is a totally subjective concept and what ‘healthy’ means is different from person to person. this is about my understanding of what it means for me to be healthy.
right now i am underweight. i consider a healthy weight to be whatever i weigh when i am eating well and regularly and being active. because of trauma, depression, disordered eating and withdrawal from substances i have lost a fair amount of weight. it happened gradually but it is very noticeable to me. i don’t know how much i weigh or how much weight i’ve lost because i don’t weigh myself, but i can see and feel it.
i come from a family of curvaceous women. ‘brick houses’ as my mom says. as soon as i hit puberty my body reflected this. i have an hour glass figure with huge tits, ample thighs and ass and a nice round belly. all of this is stacked, so to speak, within my 5′o height span. i’m naturally a curvy girl.
i used to hate my thighs and belly but over the years i grew to love my body. when i am healthiest, taking care of myself, being active, having an appetite and eating lots, i fill out. i love my curves and i know from experience that they are a reflection of my optimal health.
these days i’m skinny. my clothes don’t fit me. my d cup bra is practically falling off me. i’m not mad at my body, i just know that my body needs love and care and food to return to it’s healthy state. i am working on putting the weight back on.
i ran into someone i hadn’t seen in awhile and he exclaimed that i looked great. i said thanks. he commented that i must be quite active these days. i had my bike with me so i thought he was simply referencing that, so i was i like ‘oh yeah, i ride my bike all the time’. and he commented that i look amazing, so thin and petite and that i’d lost weight. it disgusts me that a reflection of my body’s sickness (trauma, depression, disordered eating, withdrawal) is perceived as more beautiful by this guy than my body in it’s healthy state.
when i tell people that i am underweight right now i often hear the point blank statement ‘you’re at a healthy weight’. this bothers me. why is it that thinness is immediately seen as a healthy weight? how would a person besides myself know what my healthy weight is? why does the fact that i still have relatively large breasts and a fair amount of curves disqualify me from being underweight? this is not my healthy weight. i know that because i’ve lived in this body for twenty five years. i know what i look and feel like when i am at a healthy weight.
each of us have a totally unique body that reflects health in a totally unique way. it’s up to each of us to get to know what healthy is for us. a one-size-fits-all definition of ‘underweight’ or ‘overweight’ is totally damaging. we are all different. what is underweight for me may be totally healthy for another person. i’m not disputing that at all. but i do take offense when another person tells me that my current weight it totally healthy. it’s not, for me.
i also notice that people think it’s strange and/or unhealthy that i would be trying to put on weight yet attempts at weight loss are almost always celebrated as healthy changes and are definitely accepted as normal. i’m not saying that losing weight is inherently unhealthy but neither is gaining it.
because my appetite and eating habits have been effected by the things i’ve gone through i have to make an active effort to bring myself back up to a healthy weight. making sure i get plenty of calories, fats and proteins in my diet is what i need to do to get healthy right now.
as a culture, we need to stop valorizing thinness as inherently healthy and fat as inherently unhealthy. we also need to stop imposing our own ideas about health and beauty on to other people. i do not want to be celebrated in my sickness. i want to be encouraged in my recovery.
ps. i found this image on tumblr and i think it’s relevant. sometimes when my mind and spirit get all fucked up, i fall out of this type of eating. i forget that the normal response to hunger is to eat. getting back to this kind of eating is what i’m working on, and my healthy, curvy body will follow.
Filed under body love, disordered eating, health, self love, sobriety/recovery, trauma
